theunsheathed

time: poof, it can disappear

what is time anyway

can u feel it with ur naked breast

can u eat it for breakfast like flappyjacks

can u apply it in the shower to perhaps maybe ur hair as a cleansing treatment

can it pat ur butt and tell u good game

or wipe the dribble from ur chin?

a recent photo of me

why are u asking me

what do i know

for i am but a grizzled old man

cheeks sunken by endless funtasy summers past

eyes cloudy from premium bud light platinums of yesteryear

alone

naked

trembling

…hello?

even so

i thrust my hand into the darkness

i do this not for me u see

i do it for u – the fan

who demands to pump again

to pump once more

some fans, going absolutely bananas

u see THE UNSHEATHED! has always been “fan-centric”

and so we have no choice

but to wake the beast that sleeps within

hya beast hya

rise up

rear ur beastly head

expose us to ur beastly body

for to be suckling upon ur beastly teet

we must regain our strength

our desire

bit by bit

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welcome 2 phaze 2: the reBEEF.

bet u thought we were out of ur hair.

bet u thought that if u just liked the facebook musical group fanclub page

that we’d leave u alone.

ha. this is surely ur own folly. for THE UNSHEATHED!

are far too obnoxious for that.

in fact, we spend all day brainstorming ways we can be more obnoxious.

we get it – most of u don’t think this is funny.

we get it – most of you think this is repetitive and uncool.

we effing get it.

so guess what my babes?

we’re doubling down.

that’s right i said it.

time to double down on our digital annoyance strat.

squeaky wheel gets the grease, u tender-slender babes u.

some things u can expect from THE UNSHEATHED! reBEEF going forward:

• MORE über viral blog post-its
• MORE scintillatingly brilliant tweets via @THEUNSHEATHED
• MORE juicy content via unjackable tracks / chuggernaut mixes / etc.
• MORE updates on where Scroto’s house keys may or may not be
• MORE news on party boy #1 LA Johanssen / his hay-seed upbringing in the sticks of rural mass / how that has affected his growth into young-manhood / how he identifies with the global dance music scene / his general vibe

so grease m’up, and get with this disco because we fiddin to ride this bad reputation all the way to the top.

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woof.

how do you feel on mondays my babes? do you feel tired n sluggy?

sometimes THE USNHEATHED! do 2 #2tru.

said it before, will say it again – being a dj duo is a tuffy.

especially when your dj partner is such a party boy (LA).

sometimes on sunday nights – when i lay in my beddy-bye – i think about my brain.

sometimes feel like my brain is just a big game of original zelda for ‘tendo.

but the cartridge is old and rusty and you cant save 😦

so you just have to leave it running all the time and hope you dont lose power and the system doesnt restart.

after all, you already have the pink pajamas.

sometimes on monday mornings i feel like i just came home to the title screen.

wreathed in ivy, with its beautiful waterfall ever-flowing.

all my game’s progress lost…three hearts…nary a sword

but just like in ‘tendo, each monday i begin my quest for knowledge a-new.

my brain scrubbed of any prior knowledge.

kinda like quaid or hauser or quaid or hauser or…

whoever he really is cuz they never really tell you

still a pretty good film though.

can i reach total recall? or is it all just a pipesman’s dream?

“scroto – start the reactor.”

but don’t worry about me – i’ll be fine.  just going to go on my way.

computer, load <crush> sequence please.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
press contact: theunsheathed@gmail.com

THE UNSHEATHED! ANNOUNCE FORMATION OF
HA-YA DESTROY HOLDINGS INTERNATIONAL
MEDIA & PUBLISHING

RICH CONTENT NETWORK TO BE KEYSTONE OF GLOBAL STRAT

feb 2k12 – AVE. D – internet pioneers and international dj duo THE UNSHEATHED! announced today the formation of a content rich and “fan-centric” media network cross several platforms that will capitalize on their meteoric rise to fame and power since launching http://www.theunsheathed.com back in yesteryear.

“tis  tru,” said THE UNSHEATHED!’s sir scroto baggins aka the duke of jonesbury, “2 tru some may say, that people love us.  they love the content, they love the branding, it’s really been a viral smash. really starting to feel blousey around these parts”

among the new properties making up ha-ya holdings destroy holdings international media & publishing are:

• http://www.theunsheathed.com
• http://www.thatschillbro.com
• foundcourage.wordpress.com

theunsheathed.com will continue to be ur #1 source for news surround THE UNSHEATHED! and viral marketing strategy.  thatschillbro.com will be a viral powerhouse providing the utmost in memeable content that people will be tumbling, tweeting and generally blogging about for hundreds of years to come.  foundcourage.wordpress.com will be a social media/wiki/fan-centric forum where users can become “courage seekers” and submit user generated content and feel like maybe they are as viberous as THE UNSHEATHED!.

“we feel just so bless’ed,” added man’s man LA johannsen, “and when the vibe is white hot, u have to stryke.  that’s when things start to feel fun, when things start to feel blousey.”

the move to acquire the media network was made over the course of several weeks with help of go daddy and some birthday haul cash that THE UNSHEATHED! thought wise to pump back into the viral marketing beast-machine.

#     #     #     #

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when THE UNSHEATHED! invite you to a party…

dare you say no?

maybe you dare.

but daring is a dangerous game my babes, muy dangerous indeed.

our favor tis not to be flippantly thrown away.

for there could be serious consequences.

dont say we didnt warn you, ry.

dont say we didnt tell you this was coming.

nvr wanted it to be like this – but you had to toy with us.

you started this cat and mouse game

now THE UNSHEATHED! is the cats,

and you ry, you are the mouse.

this is ry:

see here – he just helps himself as he pleases.

see ry was once our no1 fan. he was once part of the machine.

now he has cast us aside and in doing so has cast aside his relevance.

how does it feel ry? how does it feel to be irrelevant?

why dont you wear this name tag from now on.

ha ya i went there.

ha ya i would go there again if needs be.

see folks – ry responded ‘maybe’ to one of our facebook invites.

that is a HUGE no-no.

especially when you are committed to giving free relationship counseling at the party

it’s part of THE UNSHEATED!’s “total package” – (we offer a value to our fanbase as we our very fancentric)

take a look:

oh ry? are you there ry?

you are the worst.

you are the effing worst ry.

get your act together – you’re making a big mistake.

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hey everyone

srry we’ve gone for a couple days.

didnt realize how hard the lack of ‘niques would hit.

hits hard my babes, 2 hard.

coming to realize some things about life.

could be too late now – day late dolly short

at least that’s what my dad told me on the phone on sunday.

was telling him about our struggies as an international dj duo

the fame, the fall, the questions that remain…

“child, you taint nothing but a figure to these people regular people.

they can’t love what they don’t know.”

fine dad.  i get it.  you’re right. i effing get it.

anywho.

going forward we will be making ourselves available.

want you to know about us.

the men behind the genius.

so now we present 2 TRU TUES.

each 2TT we will reveal ourselves.

we will let you in.

you will know us, you will love us.

2 TRU TUES. # 1

When LA Johannsen was a little boy in the sticks of rural Mass., he stuck his finger in the neighborhood dogs butthole and the dog bit him hard cuz he felt violated.

peace out.

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All good things must come to an end sometime.

guess now is the time for us.

this past week has been extremely tuff.

tuff stuff.

been tracking our web metrics

all we can say to you – the fan

is how dare u

we work and strive and try to build a content rich blog

but no one can predict fickle tides of the blogosphere.

k, nuff said.

we just wanted to rock your loins with tender disco yams

but you couldnt even kick us down a couple uniques a week

ha ok, nuff said

we gave you everything

but what you gave us taint nothin but heartache.

srsly, nuff said.

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consider this a black-out yall.

THE UNSHEATHED has gone dark.

looking for a candle in all this internet mess.

they blacked out all my sites.

cant find my geocities pages – cant even find my personal angelfire sites.

welcome to the dark ages.

welcome to the end of the world.

oh well – at least the site for the movie ‘space jam‘ is still up and running (dont worry about clicking the press link – no spacejam news at the moment)

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anybody heard from scroto yesterday/today?

please help, not like him, think something happened.

been worried sick all day/all nite, he was about to wear his brand new raw denim jeans in the rain, and i warned him, but he wouldnt listen, do you guys even know what happens to raw denim jeans in the rain?

he didn’t chat me, or even  hit me up on my beeper, scared,  you guys

he was distraught about ‘losing his grasp upon the reigns of the viral marketing beast’.  told him to chill out  ‘n that he needed to pick up my effing fog machine that he left at heathers on New Years Eve and he lost it and left crying, i tried to help, but i had to get to my deskjob.

here are some pics of my fog machine & scroto just in case u guys forgot what they look  like, please post, please copy & share, copy & share, please help us find him & my fog machine too, miss them both so much

if u guys hear anything, please page me, lost without him, lost…

-LA JOHANNSEN

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